It is with immense sorrow that I inform you that I am not able to bring to you my much vaunted tips on how to have a safe and wonderful All Hallows’ Eve. As I neared completion of my Hallowe’en article, enumerating the countless ways in which you could dazzle and impress others on the spookiest night of the year, I made the costly mistake of checking my number one source for celebrity relationships: The Jezebel. Today my heart is heavy. Continue reading “I Was Going to Submit a Halloween Article Until I Read About Selena and The Weeknd Breaking Up”
With Halloween right around the corner, people are looking for new and exciting ways to be scared for what many call “a great day to observe scary media.” Below is the first, and by default best and scariest, horse-oriented horror story of our time. Continue reading “A Horse Story”
A mother’s life isn’t the only thing that will be celebrated
As a young professional struggling to make it in these troubled times, I can say with certainty that getting some face time with your manager to pitch some of your app ideas has always been a struggle. Since time immemorial it seems like, for one reason or another, solo time with the big wigs has always been reserved for more senior members of the business world, with their size nine and a half loafers wedged firmly in the boss’ door. For a while it even felt like I should give up my dreams of becoming a successful entrepreneur and just go back to farming Neopets accounts for Russian teens to buy at some small profit. I am not afraid to tell you, fellow harrowing junior developers, that this was as close to rock bottom as I have ever come (notwithstanding the weeks spent living behind a McDonald’s several years ago, scavenging for food and doing whatever it took to keep mainlining limited edition seasonal McFlurries). Those days are (thankfully) well behind me and, except for the occasional Shamrock Shake, I have maintained a lifestyle free of discarded fast food.
But how did I do it? Using my now-coveted business skillset gained through soliciting years of community college study sessions, I realized that the only way to achieve success was to think outside of the box. But it doesn’t stop with the idea: You need to go guerilla and take your pitches to the streets and hopefully strike an organic and meaningful conversation with the Big Guy when he’s taking some time for himself. And where is a better place to catch the Boss in a moment of thoughtfulness and introspection than halfway through his mother’s funeral? Try these ideas on for size and you’ll DEFINITELY be the talk of the procession. Continue reading “Five Mobile App Ideas to Wow Your Boss With at His Mother’s Funeral”
The tattoo ideas that you never knew you needed – for a quiz you still don’t know about
It might come as a surprise to you that, as of 10:41 tonight (Sunday, October 8), I have still not received an email from other websites requesting that I draft a quiz to help people decide on the perfect tattoo for them. Be that as it may, I am not one to sit and wait for things to happen. As an innovator and founder of a website that garners several page-clicks per day, I have decided to go ahead and create the results for the quiz that will, I am sure, be published in the New York Times almost certainly in the next two months. Until the day comes that editors contact me to reverse engineer the questions to what will become the quintessential tattoo quiz, please enjoy the answers to the “What Tattoo Should You Get Next” quiz that M. B. Mathers will hopefully be sharing by the end of this fiscal year. Continue reading “The “What Tattoo Should You Get Next” Quiz Results that Literally Nobody Asked Me For”
A public service announcement from a concerned citizen
My name is Keith Kerkland. I am a regular man who does regular things like eat buttered noodles and watch the Flintstones live-action movie with my two chihuahuas. A simple man to Darcy and Alice (my ‘huahuas), a man of reason with sensibility and love for my country to all. But love for MY country is where the hearts stop. So, for the love of God, please do not ask me about Albania. Continue reading “Keith’s Korner: Please Do Not Go to Albania”
Nobody deserves to be rejected on LinkedIn.
Well fellas, we’ve all been there. Standing in line, you spot that cute barista that you can’t take your eyes off of: Brown hair, blue eyes, dimples, the name tag that says “Michelle” with the little smiley face; you know the one. After fumbling with your drink order (venti half-fat extra whipped #PSL) you take a step closer to her, and then another step, until all that’s left between the two of you is a little metal bar that’s just begging for you to somersault over. She finally calls out your name like some beautiful siren atop her stainless-steel rock; you float forward and make eye contact. Don’t worry, you’ve got this. You smile, say thank you and, before she can pull away, you grab her wrist. “Do you want to connect with me on LinkedIn?” She looks a little bit sick. Maybe she didn’t hear you? You repeat yourself, this time with more confidence. It’s at this point that the monkey man, let’s call him “Dave the Manager,” enters the equation. The rest? Some call it history.
This is a story that I’ve seen far too often. Boy meets barista, boy tries to network on LinkedIn, barista gets “Dave” involved, boy gets blocked. It just isn’t fair. But does that have to be the end? Can’t there be a way to meet up with these coffee bean vixens to get a second chance at that coveted linkage? Worry not, LinkedIn hopefuls. Here are 5 great places to “accidentally” run into that Barista that blocked you on LinkedIn.
Continue reading “Five Great Places to “Accidentally” Run into That Barista That Blocked You on LinkedIn”
An objective and non-biased list from someone that considers themselves a maybe-sort-of fan
Nickelback has always been, for me, little more than a “meh” experience. I’ve committed some songs to memory, while probably the majority of their deeper cuts remain unknown to me. With that being said, I have been noticing a growing distaste for the ‘Back. Some people have even gone so far as to tell me that they “hate” the Canadian super-group. As a Canadian myself, I often wonder if hatred is the right answer. Aren’t Canadians supposed to be friendly? Welcoming? I don’t remember stepping over a mat that said “fuck yourself” frozen in front of my igloo this morning. Given this bizarre negative reaction to a group that I’m pretty sure is all about peace and love, I have decided to take it upon myself to do the unthinkable and dive into the massive discography of Nickelback. With little-to-no knowledge of this group (outside of their innumerable hits and upsetting memes) I hope to provide, as objectively as possible, an unbiased ranking of the discography of the United States #2 most successful foreign act. Without further ado, here is the definitive ranking of Nickelback’s albums from someone that identifies as somewhere between a casual listener and sort-of-fan.
Continue reading “The Definitive Nickelback Album Ranking”