Four TV Pitches That You Can Use at Your Next Executive Meeting with NBC as Long as the Execs Are Not Familiar with Other Popular TV Shows

Time to make your mark on TV history!

1. Talk to the Hand

This is pretty much Dexter, except the main guy is a palm reader that has a pretty gross thing for hands. Imagine a serial thriller following a palm reader that uses his abilities to track down killers for the Tampa Bay police, all while trying to find the hand that ended the life of his fiancée. The catch? This guy has a thing for hands. Like, a weird thing for hands. The kind of thing that would make you scratch your head as to why the police would be working with him? Maybe every third episode he loses control of his hand thing and the police find a handless woman in the Floridian swamp. Despite many close counters and one officer’s suspicion of the Palm Reader’s use of the phrase “well this is a real handful,” the Palm Reader’s secret is never discovered.

2. My Escort Needs a Fixin’!

Very similar to Pimp My Ride, My Escort Needs a Fixin’! follows a well-meaning but highly unskilled mechanic in rural Ontario as he ventures into different Canadian cities in search of cars to fix up. To be clear, he is a “mechanic” in the loosest sense of the word: He can differentiate between cars and trucks pretty much every time. He also doesn’t really know how to do much related to fixing or upgrading cars. Most episodes follow him breaking into a car, putting on a single car seat backwards and covering the dashboard in glitter before being apprehended by local police. Whoever is selected as the “mechanic” will preferably own a straw hat.

3. My Ankh-le Horace

This is a family sitcom that centres around the Egyptian God Horus. In the pilot for this episode, Horus is flash-frozen in a freak Jamaican patty experiment. Horus later awakens in the late 1990’s, confused and experiencing major freezer burn! Forced to hide his true identity, “Uncle Horace” moves in with a good-natured but simple family. Things start off well, but the family soon begins to wonder how Uncle Horace came to find them. As the season moves on they learn that Horace has some ancient and outdated values that seem to directly conflict with his love for Jamaican patties. Kind of like how Alf loves to eat cats. It would be great to make as many references to Alf as possible without someone from the AV Club realizing that this is a scene-for-scene rip-off of Alf.

4. Enn Ayche Ell!

Just a guy live-streaming hockey games from his cell phone. Probably costs a lot less to get a good cell-phone plan and season tickets than it does to produce an entire season of anything on NBC anyway.

“Take Her to the Biker’s Inn?” I Thought That You Told Me to Take a Lot of Vicodin

Whoops!

Oh jeez. Did you really tell me to take her to the Biker’s Inn? That explains why your mom looked so mad. I was like, “Why would she tell me to take a lot of Vicodin to pick her mom up at the airport?” I don’t even know why you thought that I HAD Vicodin, but I guess that it’s lucky that I did. Yikes, now I don’t know if I can take your mom to the Biker’s Inn at all. Continue reading ““Take Her to the Biker’s Inn?” I Thought That You Told Me to Take a Lot of Vicodin”

Four Times I Had to Defend the Honour of Dentyne Fire Cinnamon Gum

There’s nothing more powerful than a stick of Cinnamon gum

I love Dentyne Fire (DF) cinnamon gum more than anyone in the world. The WORLD. I request that all of my partners chew a piece of Dentyne Fire Cinnamon Gum before every encounter. My father has a DF Cinnamon Gum-shaped scar in his abdomen for telling me that he preferred Dentyne Ice. How many other people do you know that sleep with a single piece of Dentyne Fire under their pillow? What’s my happiest memory of DF? A trick question. Every moment of that sweet cinnamon sorbitol gracing my tongue is a happy memory. I believe that it was famed pervert Charles Bukowski that once said “find what you love and let it kill you.” Well I hope to die from choking on a piece of Dentyne Fire Cinnamon Gum.

Of course, when you love Dentyne Fire Cinnamon Gum like I do, you are bound to meet some detractors. Here are 4 times that I was forced to defend Dentyne Fire Cinnamon Gum:

Continue reading “Four Times I Had to Defend the Honour of Dentyne Fire Cinnamon Gum”

Keith Knows Movies: Jack and Jill

Keith Kerkland returns for his first movie review

What happens when two of the biggest titans of cinema cross the intergenerational gap, smashing headfirst through the thin walls of reason to be as one, writhing, naked and coalescing each other like some labyrinthine, two-headed deity? Answer: Jack and JillContinue reading “Keith Knows Movies: Jack and Jill”

I Was Going to Submit a Halloween Article Until I Read About Selena and The Weeknd Breaking Up

Dear readers,

It is with immense sorrow that I inform you that I am not able to bring to you my much vaunted tips on how to have a safe and wonderful All Hallows’ Eve. As I neared completion of my Hallowe’en article, enumerating the countless ways in which you could dazzle and impress others on the spookiest night of the year, I made the costly mistake of checking my number one source for celebrity relationships: The Jezebel. Today my heart is heavy. Continue reading “I Was Going to Submit a Halloween Article Until I Read About Selena and The Weeknd Breaking Up”

Five Mobile App Ideas to Wow Your Boss With at His Mother’s Funeral

A mother’s life isn’t the only thing that will be celebrated

As a young professional struggling to make it in these troubled times, I can say with certainty that getting some face time with your manager to pitch some of your app ideas has always been a struggle. Since time immemorial it seems like, for one reason or another, solo time with the big wigs has always been reserved for more senior members of the business world, with their size nine and a half loafers wedged firmly in the boss’ door. For a while it even felt like I should give up my dreams of becoming a successful entrepreneur and just go back to farming Neopets accounts for Russian teens to buy at some small profit. I am not afraid to tell you, fellow harrowing junior developers, that this was as close to rock bottom as I have ever come (notwithstanding the weeks spent living behind a McDonald’s several years ago, scavenging for food and doing whatever it took to keep mainlining limited edition seasonal McFlurries). Those days are (thankfully) well behind me and, except for the occasional Shamrock Shake, I have maintained a lifestyle free of discarded fast food.

But how did I do it? Using my now-coveted business skillset gained through soliciting years of community college study sessions, I realized that the only way to achieve success was to think outside of the box. But it doesn’t stop with the idea: You need to go guerilla and take your pitches to the streets and hopefully strike an organic and meaningful conversation with the Big Guy when he’s taking some time for himself. And where is a better place to catch the Boss in a moment of thoughtfulness and introspection than halfway through his mother’s funeral? Try these ideas on for size and you’ll DEFINITELY be the talk of the procession.  Continue reading “Five Mobile App Ideas to Wow Your Boss With at His Mother’s Funeral”