Oh jeez. Did you really tell me to take her to the Biker’s Inn? That explains why your mom looked so mad. I was like, “Why would she tell me to take a lot of Vicodin to pick her mom up at the airport?” I don’t even know why you thought that I HAD Vicodin, but I guess that it’s lucky that I did. Yikes, now I don’t know if I can take your mom to the Biker’s Inn at all. Continue reading ““Take Her to the Biker’s Inn?” I Thought That You Told Me to Take a Lot of Vicodin”
There’s nothing more powerful than a stick of Cinnamon gum
I love Dentyne Fire (DF) cinnamon gum more than anyone in the world. The WORLD. I request that all of my partners chew a piece of Dentyne Fire Cinnamon Gum before every encounter. My father has a DF Cinnamon Gum-shaped scar in his abdomen for telling me that he preferred Dentyne Ice. How many other people do you know that sleep with a single piece of Dentyne Fire under their pillow? What’s my happiest memory of DF? A trick question. Every moment of that sweet cinnamon sorbitol gracing my tongue is a happy memory. I believe that it was famed pervert Charles Bukowski that once said “find what you love and let it kill you.” Well I hope to die from choking on a piece of Dentyne Fire Cinnamon Gum.
Of course, when you love Dentyne Fire Cinnamon Gum like I do, you are bound to meet some detractors. Here are 4 times that I was forced to defend Dentyne Fire Cinnamon Gum:
Continue reading “Four Times I Had to Defend the Honour of Dentyne Fire Cinnamon Gum”
Keith Kerkland returns for his first movie review
What happens when two of the biggest titans of cinema cross the intergenerational gap, smashing headfirst through the thin walls of reason to be as one, writhing, naked and coalescing each other like some labyrinthine, two-headed deity? Answer: Jack and Jill. Continue reading “Keith Knows Movies: Jack and Jill”
It is with immense sorrow that I inform you that I am not able to bring to you my much vaunted tips on how to have a safe and wonderful All Hallows’ Eve. As I neared completion of my Hallowe’en article, enumerating the countless ways in which you could dazzle and impress others on the spookiest night of the year, I made the costly mistake of checking my number one source for celebrity relationships: The Jezebel. Today my heart is heavy. Continue reading “I Was Going to Submit a Halloween Article Until I Read About Selena and The Weeknd Breaking Up”
With Halloween right around the corner, people are looking for new and exciting ways to be scared for what many call “a great day to observe scary media.” Below is the first, and by default best and scariest, horse-oriented horror story of our time. Continue reading “A Horse Story”
A mother’s life isn’t the only thing that will be celebrated
As a young professional struggling to make it in these troubled times, I can say with certainty that getting some face time with your manager to pitch some of your app ideas has always been a struggle. Since time immemorial it seems like, for one reason or another, solo time with the big wigs has always been reserved for more senior members of the business world, with their size nine and a half loafers wedged firmly in the boss’ door. For a while it even felt like I should give up my dreams of becoming a successful entrepreneur and just go back to farming Neopets accounts for Russian teens to buy at some small profit. I am not afraid to tell you, fellow harrowing junior developers, that this was as close to rock bottom as I have ever come (notwithstanding the weeks spent living behind a McDonald’s several years ago, scavenging for food and doing whatever it took to keep mainlining limited edition seasonal McFlurries). Those days are (thankfully) well behind me and, except for the occasional Shamrock Shake, I have maintained a lifestyle free of discarded fast food.
But how did I do it? Using my now-coveted business skillset gained through soliciting years of community college study sessions, I realized that the only way to achieve success was to think outside of the box. But it doesn’t stop with the idea: You need to go guerilla and take your pitches to the streets and hopefully strike an organic and meaningful conversation with the Big Guy when he’s taking some time for himself. And where is a better place to catch the Boss in a moment of thoughtfulness and introspection than halfway through his mother’s funeral? Try these ideas on for size and you’ll DEFINITELY be the talk of the procession. Continue reading “Five Mobile App Ideas to Wow Your Boss With at His Mother’s Funeral”
The tattoo ideas that you never knew you needed – for a quiz you still don’t know about
It might come as a surprise to you that, as of 10:41 tonight (Sunday, October 8), I have still not received an email from other websites requesting that I draft a quiz to help people decide on the perfect tattoo for them. Be that as it may, I am not one to sit and wait for things to happen. As an innovator and founder of a website that garners several page-clicks per day, I have decided to go ahead and create the results for the quiz that will, I am sure, be published in the New York Times almost certainly in the next two months. Until the day comes that editors contact me to reverse engineer the questions to what will become the quintessential tattoo quiz, please enjoy the answers to the “What Tattoo Should You Get Next” quiz that M. B. Mathers will hopefully be sharing by the end of this fiscal year. Continue reading “The “What Tattoo Should You Get Next” Quiz Results that Literally Nobody Asked Me For”