Grab the tissues! Local quitter Elliott Brierley, a twice published comedy writer, is finally throwing in the towel. “I just don’t have the interest,” he reported to That’s Dark last week.
“It feels like work without the payoff.” Big words from a man who, in eighth grade, cried when he was unable to beat his dad at badminton. While the many readers who wrote in requesting personalized stories and signed memorabilia from the website will undoubtedly be traumatized, Mr. Brierley assured us that this won’t be the last that we hear from him.
“I’ve got a lot going on, you know?” Recounted Mr. Cry-erley. “Sure, I put in work on maybe eight of the articles that went up there. Was I disappointed that the movie reviews didn’t take off though? Of course. What was I really expecting though, right?”
What indeed. At press time Mr. Time-Waster, a self-proclaimed “lover of comedy,” didn’t have much else to add. “I don’t know what I went into this thing expecting. It was nice to have people tell me that they thought that I was funny, but my dogs are funny and they do that for free.”
“Maybe doing it for validation was the wrong reason. It’s a lot of work!”
This reporter begs to differ: Charity is a lot of work. A 9-5 is a lot of work. Writing your little tickle funnies for your dad and two friends to maybe read the first paragraph? Not on our watch.
While Elliott intends to let his blog dissolve, he promises to remain ever-active on Twitter. You can find him at @fansofelliott.
Jeff Pringly, 35, was devastated to learn that Steven Hawking, Nobel Prize winner, award-winning physicist and author, passed away last week.
Pringly, a long-time lover and observer of science, had always looked up to Hawking. “I remember thinking, ‘fuck, I can’t even do a kick flip on my skateboard and this guy is doing advanced calculus in a wheelchair like it’s nothing,’” said Pringly over a series of increasingly angry and confusing tweets last night. “I failed grade 11 physics because this guy wouldn’t write me back to answer a question I had about gravity? I’m glad he’s gone!”
“Stefan Horkings? More like Stefen Dorkings!!!” Continue reading “Bazinga! This Guy Just Wrote Science Applying to Be the Next “Stevey Honkings””
Valentine’s Day is SO over.
Galentine’s Day, Palentine’s Day, Kraalentine’s Day… The list of ways to celebrate that special day in February goes on and on. But aren’t we tired of the same old celebrations with the same old loser friends that didn’t say anything when you wore jean shorts to the bar last weekend? Didn’t we ALL make 2018 the year of change after puking our brains out for the fourth consecutive New Year’s in the same washroom of the same Popeye’s Chicken? Or maybe you’re entering year eight of a dead-end relationship with your high school sweetheart and need to shake the dust off your very short chains? Well look no further my little love-birds and friendship-vultures: Here are three great alternatives to celebrating a traditional Valentine’s Day. Continue reading “Love Me Tender: Three Sweet Alternatives to Valentine’s Day That Still Rhyme with Valentine’s Day”
With Halloween right around the corner, people are looking for new and exciting ways to be scared for what many call “a great day to observe scary media.” Below is the first, and by default best and scariest, horse-oriented horror story of our time. Continue reading “A Horse Story”
A mother’s life isn’t the only thing that will be celebrated
As a young professional struggling to make it in these troubled times, I can say with certainty that getting some face time with your manager to pitch some of your app ideas has always been a struggle. Since time immemorial it seems like, for one reason or another, solo time with the big wigs has always been reserved for more senior members of the business world, with their size nine and a half loafers wedged firmly in the boss’ door. For a while it even felt like I should give up my dreams of becoming a successful entrepreneur and just go back to farming Neopets accounts for Russian teens to buy at some small profit. I am not afraid to tell you, fellow harrowing junior developers, that this was as close to rock bottom as I have ever come (notwithstanding the weeks spent living behind a McDonald’s several years ago, scavenging for food and doing whatever it took to keep mainlining limited edition seasonal McFlurries). Those days are (thankfully) well behind me and, except for the occasional Shamrock Shake, I have maintained a lifestyle free of discarded fast food.
But how did I do it? Using my now-coveted business skillset gained through soliciting years of community college study sessions, I realized that the only way to achieve success was to think outside of the box. But it doesn’t stop with the idea: You need to go guerilla and take your pitches to the streets and hopefully strike an organic and meaningful conversation with the Big Guy when he’s taking some time for himself. And where is a better place to catch the Boss in a moment of thoughtfulness and introspection than halfway through his mother’s funeral? Try these ideas on for size and you’ll DEFINITELY be the talk of the procession. Continue reading “Five Mobile App Ideas to Wow Your Boss With at His Mother’s Funeral”