Four TV Pitches That You Can Use at Your Next Executive Meeting with NBC as Long as the Execs Are Not Familiar with Other Popular TV Shows

Time to make your mark on TV history!

1. Talk to the Hand

This is pretty much Dexter, except the main guy is a palm reader that has a pretty gross thing for hands. Imagine a serial thriller following a palm reader that uses his abilities to track down killers for the Tampa Bay police, all while trying to find the hand that ended the life of his fiancée. The catch? This guy has a thing for hands. Like, a weird thing for hands. The kind of thing that would make you scratch your head as to why the police would be working with him? Maybe every third episode he loses control of his hand thing and the police find a handless woman in the Floridian swamp. Despite many close counters and one officer’s suspicion of the Palm Reader’s use of the phrase “well this is a real handful,” the Palm Reader’s secret is never discovered.

2. My Escort Needs a Fixin’!

Very similar to Pimp My Ride, My Escort Needs a Fixin’! follows a well-meaning but highly unskilled mechanic in rural Ontario as he ventures into different Canadian cities in search of cars to fix up. To be clear, he is a “mechanic” in the loosest sense of the word: He can differentiate between cars and trucks pretty much every time. He also doesn’t really know how to do much related to fixing or upgrading cars. Most episodes follow him breaking into a car, putting on a single car seat backwards and covering the dashboard in glitter before being apprehended by local police. Whoever is selected as the “mechanic” will preferably own a straw hat.

3. My Ankh-le Horace

This is a family sitcom that centres around the Egyptian God Horus. In the pilot for this episode, Horus is flash-frozen in a freak Jamaican patty experiment. Horus later awakens in the late 1990’s, confused and experiencing major freezer burn! Forced to hide his true identity, “Uncle Horace” moves in with a good-natured but simple family. Things start off well, but the family soon begins to wonder how Uncle Horace came to find them. As the season moves on they learn that Horace has some ancient and outdated values that seem to directly conflict with his love for Jamaican patties. Kind of like how Alf loves to eat cats. It would be great to make as many references to Alf as possible without someone from the AV Club realizing that this is a scene-for-scene rip-off of Alf.

4. Enn Ayche Ell!

Just a guy live-streaming hockey games from his cell phone. Probably costs a lot less to get a good cell-phone plan and season tickets than it does to produce an entire season of anything on NBC anyway.

Keith Knows Movies: Jack and Jill

Keith Kerkland returns for his first movie review

What happens when two of the biggest titans of cinema cross the intergenerational gap, smashing headfirst through the thin walls of reason to be as one, writhing, naked and coalescing each other like some labyrinthine, two-headed deity? Answer: Jack and JillContinue reading “Keith Knows Movies: Jack and Jill”

The “What Tattoo Should You Get Next” Quiz Results that Literally Nobody Asked Me For

The tattoo ideas that you never knew you needed – for a quiz you still don’t know about

It might come as a surprise to you that, as of 10:41 tonight (Sunday, October 8), I have still not received an email from other websites requesting that I draft a quiz to help people decide on the perfect tattoo for them. Be that as it may, I am not one to sit and wait for things to happen. As an innovator and founder of a website that garners several page-clicks per day, I have decided to go ahead and create the results for the quiz that will, I am sure, be published in the New York Times almost certainly in the next two months. Until the day comes that editors contact me to reverse engineer the questions to what will become the quintessential tattoo quiz, please enjoy the answers to the “What Tattoo Should You Get Next” quiz that M. B.  Mathers will hopefully be sharing by the end of this fiscal year. Continue reading “The “What Tattoo Should You Get Next” Quiz Results that Literally Nobody Asked Me For”