Jeff Pringly, 35, was devastated to learn that Steven Hawking, Nobel Prize winner, award-winning physicist and author, passed away last week.
Pringly, a long-time lover and observer of science, had always looked up to Hawking. “I remember thinking, ‘fuck, I can’t even do a kick flip on my skateboard and this guy is doing advanced calculus in a wheelchair like it’s nothing,’” said Pringly over a series of increasingly angry and confusing tweets last night. “I failed grade 11 physics because this guy wouldn’t write me back to answer a question I had about gravity? I’m glad he’s gone!”
“Stefan Horkings? More like Stefen Dorkings!!!”
Despite his anger and disappointment towards the loss of one of our most beautiful minds, Jeff Pringly remained optimistic. He recognized the opportunity that Hawking’s death provided for physicists hoping to gain recognition and decided that it was his turn to toss his hat into the ring.
“I just kind of went for it,” recalls Pringly, “I’m a lot better looking than a lot of these geeks I see on the news and I even spent a little bit of time in a wheelchair after I tried to drop kick my cousin off my dad’s roof this summer. I really think that everything’s connected here for a reason. It’s like, they don’t make maps 3D for a reason, you know? Honkings knew that I bet.”
That’s Dark was lucky enough to get a copy of Pringly’s cover letter to “Science,” although many people in Jeff’s family have urged us not to make it public. With that in mind, please find an unedited copy of Jeff Pringly’s cover letter to be the new Stephen Hawking below.
My name is Jeff. You know that probaby but I would be pretty goofy to not say so anyway. I am writing you today to express my deepest interest in becoming the new Stevey Sonkings. Not only can I walk real good, but I am also an avid skateboarder and have beat Tony Hawk’s American Underground seven times on the Nintendo Gamecube. So yeah, I put in work.
What separates me from other applicants? How about I did three thousand push-ups yesterday. Impressed? You sound like my ex-wife. And yeah, I dumped her so don’t get it twisted when I turn up for an interview next week. My greatest weakness? I don’t know what it’s like to lose so I probably can’t relate to the nerds you have wiping up lab tables. I’m a corporate go-getter who follows his heart to the edge of the Earth. I’d fuckin die for you.
Qualifications? Try these size 7 men’s Vans slip-ons for size (I have small feet, didn’t realize that was a requirement): Black belt in karate? Check. High school diploma? Basically. Chemistry and sex appeal? Booyeah. Ball’s in your court, Science.
In closing, I think that I would be a pretty sick candidate for the position of Stewie Dong-King. Haha did he have a big dong do you think? Who even cares, I for sure do. Anyway, that’s all I have to say about that. Peace to the Middle East motha trucka.
That’s Dark wishes Mr. Pringly the best of luck in his future endeavours.