Galentine’s Day, Palentine’s Day, Kraalentine’s Day… The list of ways to celebrate that special day in February goes on and on. But aren’t we tired of the same old celebrations with the same old loser friends that didn’t say anything when you wore jean shorts to the bar last weekend? Didn’t we ALL make 2018 the year of change after puking our brains out for the fourth consecutive New Year’s in the same washroom of the same Popeye’s Chicken? Or maybe you’re entering year eight of a dead-end relationship with your high school sweetheart and need to shake the dust off your very short chains? Well look no further my little love-birds and friendship-vultures: Here are three great alternatives to celebrating a traditional Valentine’s Day.
1. Stalintine’s Day
Break out the fake moustaches, comrades! This is a great way to celebrate your special day with friends. Sorry wealthy pig farmer friends, your money must be confiscated for later redistribution on, get this, PIZZA!!!! (Editors Note: There is no pizza. There is nothing. Pocket all money that your friends give you). What about if you’re in a relationship? Worry not! Now that Stalintine’s Day is here you can finally enjoy February 14. Have your partner dress up like a sexy and disgraceful Trotsky. Marx my words, political power won’t be the only thing that you experience on Stalintine’s Day night and pretty soon Stalintine’s Day will be all that you live for.
2. Leave-Me-Alone-Sharontine’s Day
So you’ve spent the last five Valentine’s Days carefully celebrating with the person that you love, always checking over your shoulder for the woman that has been sending you increasingly forward messages about what she would like to see you doing in a pair of Tommy Hilfiger boot cut jeans. Why not make it official? Instead of ashamedly telling your partner that you need to stay in tonight because of a non-existent case of IBS (they don’t need to know everything about you yet), let them know that a woman named Sharon bumped into you on the bus in 2013 and has since become dangerously obsessed with you. Your partner will love your openness and might even fall a little harder for you once they find out that you have narrowly escaped being taken by a heavyset woman in a black Dodge Caravan four times now.
3. Canalentine’s Day
This one is for people that feared the rigidity and absolute correctness of Stalintine’s Day, or else for the guys and gals that don’t live in fear of a woman grabbing you on the way home from math class like a prettier Pennywise the Clown. Canalentine’s Day is, quite simply, the one day a year that you can feel ok about seducing your dentist or dental hygienist. “Oh, [insert your name], your molars are so hard!” “Have you been flossing? I could live in those gums.” Yes, if you are like the dreams that I have been having lately, Canalentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity to make your dental dreams a reality. Naturally, you will need a root canal though. I don’t know how you can make that happen, nor do I possess the expertise to tell you what secondary risks there might be in TRYING to get an infected tooth, so maybe just eat a bunch of candy hearts? Like, I’m thinking upwards of fifty a day. Really, do whatever it takes for your dentist to go “dental DAMN!” It’s like famed dental rapper Eminem once quipped, “you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to [successfully seduce your dental hygienist or dentist].”