A Cry for Yelp: Four Great Ways to Show Coworkers That You Are Getting Hungry Without Going to Their Cubicle to Make Them Look up Pictures of Deli Meats

Lunch time!

We’ve all been there: You check the time on your work-issued Dell laptop from 2006 (the same laptop that may or may not have been used to write pieces of the Old Testament). Surprise, it’s only 11:10. As you stifle a bloodcurdling scream, a familiar sensation begins to explode in your chest and flood outwards to your hyper-extended fingers. The little shadow being cast by the burning fluorescence above your single file cabinet begins to loom a little more ominously. The frantic pecking of your heart against your rib cage only adds to the now deafening cacophony of water rushing in your ears. The tapping of your loser cubicle mate Greg becomes pendulous and you begin to wonder if this is the impending knocking of some spectral office manager walking towards your cubicle door. If you are like me then I need not continue this neo-gothic nightmare: You are hungry!

Now that you’ve identified the cause of your distress, how do you tell Pete in the cubicle across from you? Sure, you could stumble over to his personal space and commandeer his keyboard – thus forcing him to watch helplessly as you salivate over sumptuous salami slices. But that’s not you: You’re a go getter; you’re a person of action. Would the guy who played Harry Potter walk to the craft services table? Of COURSE not! He’s so little, the trip from his trailer to the food would tire his petite legs out. So why not take a lesson from the nice boy who plays Harry Potter and make coworkers come to you?

Download Photoshop and learn to merge images of sandwiches with pictures of yourself

This is a great idea that will require some additional steps. Firstly, if you don’t have a license to use the hit sexy image maker program Photoshop, I would encourage you to put this article on hold to download it. You’re going to need it.

Once you have downloaded and are familiar with Photoshop, the fun can begin. Ask your dad (or other trusted family member) to take some sultry photos of you. They can be as “adult” as possible, so long as you are posed suggestively. While these photos are being uploaded from your dad’s camera, try to find some pictures of food. These could be photos of produce, fresh fruit, or even Wendy’s chilli. With your photographs uploaded to photoshop, edit in these food photos to create suggestive but nutritionally appropriate masterpieces. Save the final products to a USB and, come lunch time, send those steamy food-fotos to as many coworkers as you please. Don’t forget to thank your dad for his help!

Bring a guitar and amplifier to play the Sandwich Song until someone comes in to ask you to stop, or your fingers bleed

Open E-string throughout

I love sandwiches
And they love me
If you don’t give me a sandwich
I’ll burn down all your trees
I love sandwiches
Yes I’m talking to you god
I love sandwiches
I love when they fill up my bod
I love sandwiches
And I’m positive that they love me
God if you don’t deliver me a sandwich
I’ll burn down all of your trees

Editor’s note: If you don’t own a guitar you can bring a tambourine or hammer to keep rhythm while you sing.

Tie a sign around your neck that says “feed me” and scream until you collapse

So those burning hot food-fotos got you a one-way ticket to HR and the Sandwich Song only made you a grassroots rock legend at your regional sales branch. How are you supposed to get Pete in your cubicle? Here’s a no-nonsense plan so simple that even the dwarf boy that plays Harry Potter would be able to pick up. Using whatever arts and crafts supplies you have lying around, make a nice sign that says “feed me.” It can be as colourful as you want, so long as it’s legible. Once complete, either place it around your neck or pin it to the cubicle wall behind you. From there you can go ahead and stand up in your swivel chair and start screaming. Want to make sure that everyone gets a piece? Spin your chair around. It will also make you dizzier faster and could help you collapse. Those coworkers would have to be heartless to ignore your pleas for attention.

Get a new job

Chances are that if the first three ideas didn’t work then you are now without work and so a fourth idea would be redundant anyway.

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