It is with immense sorrow that I inform you that I am not able to bring to you my much vaunted tips on how to have a safe and wonderful All Hallows’ Eve. As I neared completion of my Hallowe’en article, enumerating the countless ways in which you could dazzle and impress others on the spookiest night of the year, I made the costly mistake of checking my number one source for celebrity relationships: The Jezebel. Today my heart is heavy.
What is more haunting: 23 tips to create the ultimate haunted house, or the knowledge that Selena and Weeknd will never have the destination wedding of my dreams? As I peruse the bookshelves of my mind, the many dream photographs of that dream couple standing on a lone beach in Barbados slowly burn.
The spires of the emotional prison I find myself trapped in loom darkly over all other thoughts of this sinister October 31st. I cannot focus on anything but Selena. If not the Weeknd, then who? Justin? Joe Jonas? Would either of them be able to provide for her what the Weeknd could not? These and many other questions persist in my mind. As I tore the neatly hung fake spider webs from my Selena Gomez tour posters this morning, I could do naught but wonder what greater nightmare exists.
Wracked by spasms of sadness and shivering with cold tears, I now lie on my bathroom’s ceramic tile wrapped tightly in the fragments of my newly shattered world. Who could appreciate the ins and outs of a successful haunted house when your Weeknd/Gomez Hallowe’en Mega Mix burn CD only recalls the memory of a time where love and honesty actually meant something?
In conclusion, I apologize for not being able to provide you with a spookier article about costume ideas to wow your peers. I am simply too distraught. As my hand lingers over the “publish” button though, I am visited by a singular, optimistic idea: Perhaps this is a more fitting Hallowe’en article after all. What could be more terrifying than a world without two pop titans united by love?