As a young professional struggling to make it in these troubled times, I can say with certainty that getting some face time with your manager to pitch some of your app ideas has always been a struggle. Since time immemorial it seems like, for one reason or another, solo time with the big wigs has always been reserved for more senior members of the business world, with their size nine and a half loafers wedged firmly in the boss’ door. For a while it even felt like I should give up my dreams of becoming a successful entrepreneur and just go back to farming Neopets accounts for Russian teens to buy at some small profit. I am not afraid to tell you, fellow harrowing junior developers, that this was as close to rock bottom as I have ever come (notwithstanding the weeks spent living behind a McDonald’s several years ago, scavenging for food and doing whatever it took to keep mainlining limited edition seasonal McFlurries). Those days are (thankfully) well behind me and, except for the occasional Shamrock Shake, I have maintained a lifestyle free of discarded fast food.
But how did I do it? Using my now-coveted business skillset gained through soliciting years of community college study sessions, I realized that the only way to achieve success was to think outside of the box. But it doesn’t stop with the idea: You need to go guerilla and take your pitches to the streets and hopefully strike an organic and meaningful conversation with the Big Guy when he’s taking some time for himself. And where is a better place to catch the Boss in a moment of thoughtfulness and introspection than halfway through his mother’s funeral? Try these ideas on for size and you’ll DEFINITELY be the talk of the procession.
CribbedIn: LinkedIn, But For Babies
This one is a no-brainer when you really think about it. Isn’t it only natural to be contemplating your own mortality at a funeral? And is not all death preceded by birth? And finally, who has a larger social network than babies? Think about it: Babies will play with anyone. Literally, I’m pretty sure babies are the most stupid demographic out there. I once watched a baby try to play with one of those dolls used in child court cases. I have since been asked to stay away from Jessica and Kevin’s children, however the point remains: That kid LOVED it. But how do we, as parents, track these connections? Enter: CribbedIn. Finally, a website for parents to easily begin developing valuable professional relationships, well before their first post-college job. With a variety of skills available, ranging from “effectively collaborates with diaper change,” to “strong animal sound identification skills,” your little Elon Musk will have a professional network approximately 205 times stronger than the current young professional. Try not to tell your boss before he gives the eulogy or else he might not be able to stop smiling.
PhotoChrist: An App That Automatically Photoshops Friends into Your Nephew’s First Communion Photos
Goes without saying. Nothing more embarrassing than your grandmother being the one to initiate a game of “spin the cross” while your uncles look on in discomfort.
LoveScape: Tinder, but, Like, for People That Really Like Runescape
Let’s not beat around the bush on this one: Tinder changed the dating game for ever. Finally, an app to show off your best self in five pictures and 500 characters or less. You can even pick a song that best fits your personality (mine’s “Animals” by Nickelback). But what about the quests that you completed? How will women find out how much bronze ore you have in your inventory? Look no further fellow visionaries, It’s Like Tinder But For People That Really Like Runescape® is the answer to your problem. With a simple swipe you can now see attack and defense statistics, what armor their player-character is sporting, as well as their favourite in-game song (“Daemon’s Querry”). Show your boss that you’ve been doing this kind of gap analysis and he might even split his inheritance with you.
FlatMap4RealScienceOnly.jpg: Google Maps Add-On for People That Are Still Pretty Sure That the Earth Is Flat
According to a recent poll done by [insert your boss’ favourite statistics website], a regular amount of people are still skeptical of the Earth’s three-dimensional shape. While many small-minded, poor, spiritually depleted people would probably tell you that it is spherical, what’s important is that many celebrities believe that the Earth is flat. I hope that your boss isn’t the pallbearer because once he finds out that you’re taking on Big-Cartography he’ll want to drop the casket and make you partner.
StayAway: An App That Makes You Register for Funerals to Keep Weirdos From Attending
This might just be the spark that your boss needs to hire you back after firing you at his father’s funeral.