It might come as a surprise to you that, as of 10:41 tonight (Sunday, October 8), I have still not received an email from other websites requesting that I draft a quiz to help people decide on the perfect tattoo for them. Be that as it may, I am not one to sit and wait for things to happen. As an innovator and founder of a website that garners several page-clicks per day, I have decided to go ahead and create the results for the quiz that will, I am sure, be published in the New York Times almost certainly in the next two months. Until the day comes that editors contact me to reverse engineer the questions to what will become the quintessential tattoo quiz, please enjoy the answers to the “What Tattoo Should You Get Next” quiz that M. B. Mathers will hopefully be sharing by the end of this fiscal year.
It’s like a Kelly Clarkson tattoo but halfway through you decided that you wanted Tyson from the All-American Rejects so it’s more like an unrecognizable face with “Miss Independent” lyrics around their head like a halo
Ideal Location: Either thigh
Best For: People with commitment issues
If you’re as bad at making decisions as I am then this one should be a no-brainer. Let’s face it: This tattoo is the yin and yang of awesome ideas that nobody asked for. Part American Idol sweetheart, part all-American bad boy. 50% loving mother and pop sensation, 50% guy you realized later that you really didn’t know anything about. Truly greater than the sum of its parts, you will definitely be looking down at this sexually confusing face with joy for many years to come.
An anatomically correct drawing of your step father Greg’s naked body from the time you accidentally walked in on he and your mom last month
Ideal Location: Lower back
Best For: People with a strong sense of family, creatives
There is no better way to commemorate a new family member than a tattoo of Greg, your step-father who has been unemployed for the last two years. This disturbingly lifelike portrayal of “Dad” will show him that you really are happy that your mom is finally happy again. Feel free to get creative and pick from one of the several poses that you witnessed when you came home early for your mom’s birthday as a surprise – now it’s your turn to wow them!
The signatures of everyone in One Tree Hill that you printed and traced from Wikipedia yesterday after getting home from Your adult acting class at the YMCA
Ideal Location: Neck
Best For: Artists, actors, and art appreciators
Calling all thespians: This one’s for you. Some of you might be tempted to stop after Chad Michael Murray, sex idol and star of the religious science fiction-adventure film “Megiddo: The Omega Code 2.” Maybe you aren’t even a Pentecostal Christian and instead just really liked One Tree Hill. Whatever your reason is, don’t stop with CMM. Nothing will earn you more respect from members of the SAG than your dedication to the art of teen drama and community theatre.
A verbose explanation detailing why you’re still not fully convinced that the Earth is spherical
Ideal Location: Left arm
Best For: Scientists, truthers
I believe that it was famed pervert Charles Bukowski that once opined, “find what you love and prove that everyone else is wrong about its shape.” As a lover of cartography and the natural sciences, your left arm is therefore the perfect opportunity for you to share your love for our Mother Earth, as well as your lengthy explanation for why the Earth could still prove to be flat like a dinner tray. Depending on the size of your significantly more intelligent forearm, feel free to include other theories as well, such as who really caused 9/11 and what the TV show Lost was actually about.
A graphic depiction of Tupac locking lips with Pitbull in a bird’s nest made of words from the Communist Manifesto while a bald eagle circles protectively over their intertwined forms
Ideal Location: Chest
Best For: Literally anyone
Chances are that you already knew that you wanted this one, you just needed to be sure.
Elliott is the main author and creator of http://www.thatsdark.ca. He has little grasp on what people actually like to see, as evidenced by his various social media platforms.
Follow Elliott on Twitter (@FansofElliott) and instagram (@l.yet) for more.