Valentine’s Day is SO over.
Galentine’s Day, Palentine’s Day, Kraalentine’s Day… The list of ways to celebrate that special day in February goes on and on. But aren’t we tired of the same old celebrations with the same old loser friends that didn’t say anything when you wore jean shorts to the bar last weekend? Didn’t we ALL make 2018 the year of change after puking our brains out for the fourth consecutive New Year’s in the same washroom of the same Popeye’s Chicken? Or maybe you’re entering year eight of a dead-end relationship with your high school sweetheart and need to shake the dust off your very short chains? Well look no further my little love-birds and friendship-vultures: Here are three great alternatives to celebrating a traditional Valentine’s Day. Continue reading “Love Me Tender: Three Sweet Alternatives to Valentine’s Day That Still Rhyme with Valentine’s Day”
We’ve all been there: You check the time on your work-issued Dell laptop from 2006 (the same laptop that may or may not have been used to write pieces of the Old Testament). Surprise, it’s only 11:10. As you stifle a bloodcurdling scream, a familiar sensation begins to explode in your chest and flood outwards to your hyper-extended fingers. The little shadow being cast by the burning fluorescence above your single file cabinet begins to loom a little more ominously. The frantic pecking of your heart against your rib cage only adds to the now deafening cacophony of water rushing in your ears. The tapping of your loser cubicle mate Greg becomes pendulous and you begin to wonder if this is the impending knocking of some spectral office manager walking towards your cubicle door. If you are like me then I need not continue this neo-gothic nightmare: You are hungry! Continue reading “A Cry for Yelp: Four Great Ways to Show Coworkers That You Are Getting Hungry Without Going to Their Cubicle to Make Them Look up Pictures of Deli Meats”
First off, let me wish you a belated happy New Year. 2017 has been a year of surprises and personal accomplishments, including (but not limited to) gaining 20 lbs of pure muscle, finishing several key books to better myself, and one hundred percent not building my dream house in the popular PC video game Sims 4. Continue reading “A Year in Review from Someone That Spent All of 2017 Getting Fit and Reading Self-Help Books and Not Playing the Sims 4 Until Both Their Fingers and Eyes Bled”
Time to make your mark on TV history!
1. Talk to the Hand
This is pretty much Dexter, except the main guy is a palm reader that has a pretty gross thing for hands. Imagine a serial thriller following a palm reader that uses his abilities to track down killers for the Tampa Bay police, all while trying to find the hand that ended the life of his fiancée. The catch? This guy has a thing for hands. Like, a weird thing for hands. The kind of thing that would make you scratch your head as to why the police would be working with him? Maybe every third episode he loses control of his hand thing and the police find a handless woman in the Floridian swamp. Despite many close counters and one officer’s suspicion of the Palm Reader’s use of the phrase “well this is a real handful,” the Palm Reader’s secret is never discovered.
2. My Escort Needs a Fixin’!
Very similar to Pimp My Ride, My Escort Needs a Fixin’! follows a well-meaning but highly unskilled mechanic in rural Ontario as he ventures into different Canadian cities in search of cars to fix up. To be clear, he is a “mechanic” in the loosest sense of the word: He can differentiate between cars and trucks pretty much every time. He also doesn’t really know how to do much related to fixing or upgrading cars. Most episodes follow him breaking into a car, putting on a single car seat backwards and covering the dashboard in glitter before being apprehended by local police. Whoever is selected as the “mechanic” will preferably own a straw hat.
3. My Ankh-le Horace
This is a family sitcom that centres around the Egyptian God Horus. In the pilot for this episode, Horus is flash-frozen in a freak Jamaican patty experiment. Horus later awakens in the late 1990’s, confused and experiencing major freezer burn! Forced to hide his true identity, “Uncle Horace” moves in with a good-natured but simple family. Things start off well, but the family soon begins to wonder how Uncle Horace came to find them. As the season moves on they learn that Horace has some ancient and outdated values that seem to directly conflict with his love for Jamaican patties. Kind of like how Alf loves to eat cats. It would be great to make as many references to Alf as possible without someone from the AV Club realizing that this is a scene-for-scene rip-off of Alf.
4. Enn Ayche Ell!
Just a guy live-streaming hockey games from his cell phone. Probably costs a lot less to get a good cell-phone plan and season tickets than it does to produce an entire season of anything on NBC anyway.
Oh jeez. Did you really tell me to take her to the Biker’s Inn? That explains why your mom looked so mad. I was like, “Why would she tell me to take a lot of Vicodin to pick her mom up at the airport?” I don’t even know why you thought that I HAD Vicodin, but I guess that it’s lucky that I did. Yikes, now I don’t know if I can take your mom to the Biker’s Inn at all. Continue reading ““Take Her to the Biker’s Inn?” I Thought That You Told Me to Take a Lot of Vicodin”
There’s nothing more powerful than a stick of Cinnamon gum
I love Dentyne Fire (DF) cinnamon gum more than anyone in the world. The WORLD. I request that all of my partners chew a piece of Dentyne Fire Cinnamon Gum before every encounter. My father has a DF Cinnamon Gum-shaped scar in his abdomen for telling me that he preferred Dentyne Ice. How many other people do you know that sleep with a single piece of Dentyne Fire under their pillow? What’s my happiest memory of DF? A trick question. Every moment of that sweet cinnamon sorbitol gracing my tongue is a happy memory. I believe that it was famed pervert Charles Bukowski that once said “find what you love and let it kill you.” Well I hope to die from choking on a piece of Dentyne Fire Cinnamon Gum.
Of course, when you love Dentyne Fire Cinnamon Gum like I do, you are bound to meet some detractors. Here are 4 times that I was forced to defend Dentyne Fire Cinnamon Gum:
Continue reading “Four Times I Had to Defend the Honour of Dentyne Fire Cinnamon Gum”
Keith Kerkland returns for his first movie review
What happens when two of the biggest titans of cinema cross the intergenerational gap, smashing headfirst through the thin walls of reason to be as one, writhing, naked and coalescing each other like some labyrinthine, two-headed deity? Answer: Jack and Jill. Continue reading “Keith Knows Movies: Jack and Jill”