Grab the tissues! Local quitter Elliott Brierley, a twice published comedy writer, is finally throwing in the towel. “I just don’t have the interest,” he reported to That’s Dark last week.
“It feels like work without the payoff.” Big words from a man who, in eighth grade, cried when he was unable to beat his dad at badminton. While the many readers who wrote in requesting personalized stories and signed memorabilia from the website will undoubtedly be traumatized, Mr. Brierley assured us that this won’t be the last that we hear from him.
“I’ve got a lot going on, you know?” Recounted Mr. Cry-erley. “Sure, I put in work on maybe eight of the articles that went up there. Was I disappointed that the movie reviews didn’t take off though? Of course. What was I really expecting though, right?”
What indeed. At press time Mr. Time-Waster, a self-proclaimed “lover of comedy,” didn’t have much else to add. “I don’t know what I went into this thing expecting. It was nice to have people tell me that they thought that I was funny, but my dogs are funny and they do that for free.”
“Maybe doing it for validation was the wrong reason. It’s a lot of work!”
This reporter begs to differ: Charity is a lot of work. A 9-5 is a lot of work. Writing your little tickle funnies for your dad and two friends to maybe read the first paragraph? Not on our watch.
While Elliott intends to let his blog dissolve, he promises to remain ever-active on Twitter. You can find him at @fansofelliott.
Jeff Pringly, 35, was devastated to learn that Steven Hawking, Nobel Prize winner, award-winning physicist and author, passed away last week.
Pringly, a long-time lover and observer of science, had always looked up to Hawking. “I remember thinking, ‘fuck, I can’t even do a kick flip on my skateboard and this guy is doing advanced calculus in a wheelchair like it’s nothing,’” said Pringly over a series of increasingly angry and confusing tweets last night. “I failed grade 11 physics because this guy wouldn’t write me back to answer a question I had about gravity? I’m glad he’s gone!”
“Stefan Horkings? More like Stefen Dorkings!!!” Continue reading “Bazinga! This Guy Just Wrote Science Applying to Be the Next “Stevey Honkings””
Move over Jay-Z and Beyoncé, there’s a new power couple riding the bus.
Romance alert! These two lovers finally met their match in each other after Daniel Handson, 28, got on the bus this morning dressed as a baby and started screaming for his mother. It took nearly eighteen minutes and 4 emergency stops, but Nicole Coolidge, 21, finally made her move and the two are now inseparable. Continue reading “Amazing! This Couple Just Got Engaged After He Dressed up like a Baby and Started Screaming for His Mother Until a Woman Felt so Uncomfortable That She Approached Him”
Valentine’s Day is SO over.
Galentine’s Day, Palentine’s Day, Kraalentine’s Day… The list of ways to celebrate that special day in February goes on and on. But aren’t we tired of the same old celebrations with the same old loser friends that didn’t say anything when you wore jean shorts to the bar last weekend? Didn’t we ALL make 2018 the year of change after puking our brains out for the fourth consecutive New Year’s in the same washroom of the same Popeye’s Chicken? Or maybe you’re entering year eight of a dead-end relationship with your high school sweetheart and need to shake the dust off your very short chains? Well look no further my little love-birds and friendship-vultures: Here are three great alternatives to celebrating a traditional Valentine’s Day. Continue reading “Love Me Tender: Three Sweet Alternatives to Valentine’s Day That Still Rhyme with Valentine’s Day”
We’ve all been there: You check the time on your work-issued Dell laptop from 2006 (the same laptop that may or may not have been used to write pieces of the Old Testament). Surprise, it’s only 11:10. As you stifle a bloodcurdling scream, a familiar sensation begins to explode in your chest and flood outwards to your hyper-extended fingers. The little shadow being cast by the burning fluorescence above your single file cabinet begins to loom a little more ominously. The frantic pecking of your heart against your rib cage only adds to the now deafening cacophony of water rushing in your ears. The tapping of your loser cubicle mate Greg becomes pendulous and you begin to wonder if this is the impending knocking of some spectral office manager walking towards your cubicle door. If you are like me then I need not continue this neo-gothic nightmare: You are hungry! Continue reading “A Cry for Yelp: Four Great Ways to Show Coworkers That You Are Getting Hungry Without Going to Their Cubicle to Make Them Look up Pictures of Deli Meats”
First off, let me wish you a belated happy New Year. 2017 has been a year of surprises and personal accomplishments, including (but not limited to) gaining 20 lbs of pure muscle, finishing several key books to better myself, and one hundred percent not building my dream house in the popular PC video game Sims 4. Continue reading “A Year in Review from Someone That Spent All of 2017 Getting Fit and Reading Self-Help Books and Not Playing the Sims 4 Until Both Their Fingers and Eyes Bled”
Time to make your mark on TV history!
1. Talk to the Hand
This is pretty much Dexter, except the main guy is a palm reader that has a pretty gross thing for hands. Imagine a serial thriller following a palm reader that uses his abilities to track down killers for the Tampa Bay police, all while trying to find the hand that ended the life of his fiancée. The catch? This guy has a thing for hands. Like, a weird thing for hands. The kind of thing that would make you scratch your head as to why the police would be working with him? Maybe every third episode he loses control of his hand thing and the police find a handless woman in the Floridian swamp. Despite many close counters and one officer’s suspicion of the Palm Reader’s use of the phrase “well this is a real handful,” the Palm Reader’s secret is never discovered.
2. My Escort Needs a Fixin’!
Very similar to Pimp My Ride, My Escort Needs a Fixin’! follows a well-meaning but highly unskilled mechanic in rural Ontario as he ventures into different Canadian cities in search of cars to fix up. To be clear, he is a “mechanic” in the loosest sense of the word: He can differentiate between cars and trucks pretty much every time. He also doesn’t really know how to do much related to fixing or upgrading cars. Most episodes follow him breaking into a car, putting on a single car seat backwards and covering the dashboard in glitter before being apprehended by local police. Whoever is selected as the “mechanic” will preferably own a straw hat.
3. My Ankh-le Horace
This is a family sitcom that centres around the Egyptian God Horus. In the pilot for this episode, Horus is flash-frozen in a freak Jamaican patty experiment. Horus later awakens in the late 1990’s, confused and experiencing major freezer burn! Forced to hide his true identity, “Uncle Horace” moves in with a good-natured but simple family. Things start off well, but the family soon begins to wonder how Uncle Horace came to find them. As the season moves on they learn that Horace has some ancient and outdated values that seem to directly conflict with his love for Jamaican patties. Kind of like how Alf loves to eat cats. It would be great to make as many references to Alf as possible without someone from the AV Club realizing that this is a scene-for-scene rip-off of Alf.
4. Enn Ayche Ell!
Just a guy live-streaming hockey games from his cell phone. Probably costs a lot less to get a good cell-phone plan and season tickets than it does to produce an entire season of anything on NBC anyway.